Almost a year ago I started writing this blog post yet today is the day that I will finally release it into the world. Sometimes it takes a few experiences before a story begins to completely unfold. First, I just have to set the stage for you. 2019 has been an eye opening year for me with lots of emotions and experiences that have led me to make some pretty radical decisions in my life. This year had begun with me dwelling on all of the things I could’ve done differently in 2018 . Most people set New Year resolutions, but I apparently had set New Year regrets. I was focused on things I couldn’t change which left me wondering how I was going to move forward when all I wanted to do was rewrite my past. I refused to feel the gratitude for what my experiences had laid right in front of me. I refused to see that I had a choice to create whatever future I wanted. I wasn’t kind to myself (I’m still working on that part). I was beginning to spiral into an over bearing state of self pity. If no one else wanted to feel sorry for me I was doing a pretty fantastic job of feeling sorry for myself. I was a total blast to hang out with. Very few people knew how I truly felt, because the mask I chose to wear was one of reassurance that everything was going great when in reality it felt as though the world around me was caving in. Sometimes I get so caught up worrying about how to please everyone else that I forget about the most important person of all. ME.
In mid-January, I was sitting in a planning meeting and I was instructed to write out my BUCKET LIST items for 2019 and ALL of a sudden BOOM!!! A spark of energy and excitement began to ignite within me and the bucket list items started to flow out of me: #1) Get my business to operate without ME – THIS was key to having more time to get the next 3 items checked off my bucket list. #2) Attend “Unleash the Power Within” Tony Robbins Event – I was sitting on a free ticket that was frankly way over due being used and this was just what I needed to give me a swift emotional kick in the pants to propel me through 2019. #3) Travel to a Beach– water is my healing source for stress and worries instantly washing peace and happiness over me. 4) Skydive (YES, I want to jump out of a perfectly good plane) – where else can you instantly leave all of your stress and worries 1,000s of feet in the air while screaming with excitement as you plummet to the Earth? In case you’re curious as to which of these I’ve accomplished thus far, I can say that #2 and #3 are successfully checked off (I will share those experiences soon). I’m still awaiting Summer before #4 unfolds and #1 is getting closer, which will give me a huge sense of accomplishment and relief as I move forward. I’ve recently added one more very important item to my bucket list and that is #5 LOVE MYSELF.
Do you remember back in junior high or high school when a note would get slipped into your hand by someone you’d been crushing on. I always felt my skin tingle all over when I held that folded up piece of paper and my body would shiver in excitement as I anticipated what words would be written on the inside. As I slowly unfolded it, my imagination would run wild with curiosity wondering if that person was going to tell me they wanted to spend the rest of their life with me (in teenage years that’s maybe a week tops lol) or would they tell me to get lost? Luckily I don’t recall ever getting the rejection letters, so with that love note in hand I would obsessively read and re-read it over and over again until I memorized the feelings it gave me. That small amount of validation was enough to launch me off into an elated state of feeling all the love and significance I needed at that moment.
I sometimes wonder, as humans, why we are constantly seeking validation from others in order to feel some level of so called love. Shouldn’t we be the orchestrators of this love? Shouldn’t we be wrapping ourselves in all the loving thoughts and feelings we deserve? Of course it’s not a matter of what we should be doing rather it’s a matter of what we need to do next to get us to where we want to be. I personally want to feel the deep sense of love that I thought I was receiving as a teenager in those notes that were passed to me in the hall. The words that poured off those pages shifted my perspective and allowed me to see the undeniable beauty and strength that existed just beneath the hard exterior surface I had slowly built up over the years.
To truly LOVE MYSELF means that I promise to laugh and squeal with excitement as I listen to music and dance around my kitchen island. I promise to read book after book until knowledge comes overflowing out of my ears. I promise to write each day, so that I can share with the world who I truly am. I promise to hike, camp, fish, and more just so I can connect with nature and our God that created it. I promise to share new experiences with my kids as well as new and old friends. I promise to live in a state of gratitude for everything I’m blessed with right in front of me. I promise to give myself grace for the mistakes I make as I grow into my future self. Loving ourselves isn’t always easy and every day I have to be reminded that only I get to choose what story I tell myself about how I want to think and feel. Those feelings of love and connection can only be brewed from the deepest, darkest depths of my soul. To love myself means that every day I tell myself I’m worth loving. I am now the author of all the ‘Love Letters to Me’.
Love Letter to ME
My Dearest Love,
I’ve been thinking about you and how I love spending time with you. It gives me great joy and pleasure when I see you spending time with your kids. The way you look at them shows me what an amazing mother you are and what a gift you are to your children. I realize it’s not easy and I just want to reassure you that you are doing a FREAKING AMAZING job! You are their compass as you guide them through this crazy world we call life. I realize you feel like you’re doing this all alone. I know it’s not easy navigating life without Andy, but he sees you and I can tell you that he’s cheering you on from above each and every day. He sees what you are doing and he’s so proud of you as am I. Please know that I will never leave your side. I’m here for you when you need someone to talk to, laugh with, cry with, and celebrate with during all of those things in life that are still yet to come.
I’m not sure if I told you this today, but you are the most beautiful person I’ve ever laid my eyes on. I can’t imagine this world if I didn’t have you in it. I look forward to every second I get to spend with you, so I can wrap you in the warmth of my loving arms. You deserve all the love and happiness in your lifetime even when you may not always think you deserve it, but I can assure you that YOU TOTALLY DO!!
It’s exciting to think about all of the adventures we will be taking together and the people we will meet along the way. This will bring more joy and happiness to your life then you could ever possibly imagine. Embrace all of it, because you are worth it. Always remember that it is ME who loves, cherishes, and nurtures your soul when you need it the most. I’m here to hold you up through the good times and the bad. I love you always.