Some Days are Just Hard

I just ran away from my kids (time stamp – week 3 distance learning)…

Well, let’s get real, I ran into my bedroom and locked the door. Now, I’m sitting here with tears in my eyes praying for God to take my anxiety away. 

Raising kids isn’t easy, and layer distance learning and grief on top of that, and you have a great big grief sandwich. 

How did I get here? 

I simply went into my son’s room to help him with his homework assignment.  It wasn’t going well, because he was having technology issues.  I showed him how to get a video playing for music, so he could record what he needed. 

Apparently, I said something to him during the recording (it could of been any words at that point), and he had a meltdown. The tension was rising and he began yelling at me.  This wasn’t good for either of us. 

I legitimately wanted to help my kid, but I couldn’t.  Deep in the trenches and all alone, because that is what losing my husband feels like sometimes.

I just ran away and began praying as I sat at my desk, alone in my bedroom. I closed my eyes, and suddenly the emotions ceased, and I felt a heavy yet calming sensation come over my body. 

I’ve felt this feeling before.  A couple times in my dreams when I dreamt of Andy, I could feel the weight of his body laying on me as though he was trying to protect me or tell me everything was going to be okay.  That is how I feel now. 

It’s a different feeling from when I know God is showing up and showering me with his loving presence, because I get a more tingly sensation all over my body as though electricity is gently moving through my skin. 

This feeling was more like wrapping myself in a weighted blanket where I could truly feel comforted while the anxiety, worry, and stress of not meeting all the expectations I hold for myself melted away.

I am not alone. 

You are not alone. 

He isn’t here, yet he still finds his own way to calm me amidst the chaos.  This thought that I have to parent alone is very real. Yet, when I seek comfort during these crazy times, I’m acutely aware that he has never left my side. 

After 10 minutes of sitting there, I was still buzzing on the inside as the emotions that had taken me over earlier lay by the wayside. 

My hope for you is that wherever you may find yourself today, you take 10 minutes for yourself and wrap yourself up in all the love that you continue to carry for your loved one.  May it bring you peace and comfort as you navigate the journey ahead.