This. Is. Grief.

I stepped into the shower…

this morning, after 3 days of lounging around in my yoga pants, to finally give myself the much needed care that I so desperately deserved. 

I opened up my music app and selected the song “See you Again” by Wiz Khalifa . It was the song we chose for the video at Andy’s memorial service. 

Every time I hear it I feel closer to him. I wasn’t sure why, but I needed to feel Andy close to me today. 

As soon as the melody “it’s been a long day…” echoed within the walls of the shower I could feel the sobs bubbling up from somewhere deep inside me. 

I tilted my head  back to allow the warm water to gently massage my head as it made it’s way down my body in an effort to soothe my soul.

I could feel every part of my body begin to pulse as energy started to flow all around me. 

I turned around…

to face the shower head and imagined Andy’s arms wrapping around me, holding me close, and felt a calming sensation as I inhaled the deep breaths I’d been neglecting myself of for days, weeks, months…I’ve lost track of how long it had been.

The air filled the spaces in my body where anxiety had once made it’s home. 

I crumbled to the floor of the shower as the warm water continued to cover me like a warm blanket. 

The sobs kept pouring out of my soul yet I muffled them with silence to protect those in my house whom may over hear in the next room.

I whispered to God, “Why am I crying?” and instantly memories of my sister (Amy), niece (Abbey), and Andy began flooding back into me.  

As I laid there….

taking in all those memories, that had remained tucked away for way too long, I allowed myself to feel and release all the feelings of anger, joy, excitement, happiness, as well as sadness.

After a few minutes, I started to come back into the present moment and picked myself up off the shower floor. 

I washed off the grief soaked tears from my past, stepped out of the shower and started my day.

This. Is. Grief.